If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize