Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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