His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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