Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
