i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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