What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize