Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
