nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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