im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize