I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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