We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
