new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
