WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
