I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
