hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
