Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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