cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dear god my vagina.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
