apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
