yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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