I've blown a few things in my day
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
