i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
