keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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