u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
