Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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