I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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