awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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