The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
