I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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