it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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