I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
