When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
