She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
