im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
