Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
