Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
