Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
