this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize