Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
