Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize