Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
