He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
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