can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
