He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
