Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
