I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize