I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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