I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
