I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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