My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
