Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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