i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
