You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i dont even know how to be here
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
