i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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