omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
