Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
