whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
