I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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