1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize