We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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